Skinny Quiet Voices
by Pointethosetoes
Summary: Everyone knows Spencer has an obsessive need to be the best at everything, but this time the pressure from her family leads to something harmful. Perfection isn't always healthy. When will she realize that she is loved already? That she doesn't need to do what shes doing? Hopefully before it's too late.
1. Chapter 1

When most families in Rosewood thought of the Hastings, they pictured the model family. The two wonderful daughters, and the wonderful, well paid and well respected parents. No room for errors. Nobody saw, however, what went on in the inside of all of it. The Hastings expectations were nothing less then perfect. So that's exactly what Spencer had to be.

I have no idea why my family continues to eat dinner together. It's not like anything ever comes out of it. I guess it's so that my mother can still have some reason to think that everything is normal. Everything is certainly not normal. Everything is far from normal.

The only thing you ever hear at dinner is chewing, and more often then my parents would prefer, Melissa and I fighting, which they always put an end to quickly. By taking Melissa's side. We seldom talk about anything but grades, which is pretty much all they care about. Fighting, chewing and the clinking of silverware against some shining china plates. Which exactly what I heard right now, clinking.

"Spencer didn't you have a Science test recently?" Ugh. My mother.

"Yes. Only half the material we were told to study was actually on the test though."

"What did you make?" Here comes the hurricane.

"I got a 89." Oh god. I silently braced myself.

"A what? You got a B!?" My father now. Sometimes he's just as bad as my mother.

"Only a fifth of our class PASSED. Hanna stayed up all night studying and she got a C!"

It was true. And Science was Hanna's best subject. I had already planned to retake it, but that wasn't going to make any difference now. I looked up to see my father rolling his eyes and my mother's persistent glare attempting to burn into my soul. I glanced at Melissa, instantly wishing I hadn't because she was smirking back. Of course she didn't give a rat's ass. Why would she?

"I hope you're planning to fix that! Ivy League colleges don't grant admissions to students who get a B in science. You have GOT to work harder Spencer,"

She went on and on scolding me like I was a child who had gotten mud on a new dress. I tuned her out, knowing exactly what she was going to say, but also not wanting to hear it. Staring down at my plate of salad and salmon. I nudged at it with my fork and picked at it, but never eat it. When I finally heard the very ending of my mother's mantra I asked if I could be excused. Permission which she granted gladly, ready to be rid of me so that everybody could talk about Melissa.

Melissa the golden child. Who made the best grades and all the right choices. The bright shining hope of the Hastings family. I scraped my food into the trash and trudged upstairs. Not wanting to look back at how much better the table must have looked without me there. At my father and mother bearing their money earning lawyer suits, putting on the perfect show for the rest of the town.

I went up to my room and grabbed my science book. I had finished the homework early, as usual, but it was probably better to stay ahead. I plopped down on my bed and got through the first couple pages of Isotopes and Chemical Bonding, when I got bored, and decided it was better to read it later then to read the entire thing, but not retain it. I looked at the mirror on the wall adjacent to my bed in which I did my make up every morning. I stood up and looked at my reflection. I looked clueless. It doesn't matter how many people tell you you're smart, because only you have a truthful scale in your head. I looked at skinny jeans and boots, topped with a pretty pink sweater with a lace pocket. It would have been really cute if an ugly girl hadn't been wearing it. And the skinny jeans were too tight. Not tight so the boys will think you're hot tight, the kind of tight that means your thighs are too big for these jeans tight. They called them skinny jeans for a reason.

I looked fat. My thighs were too big, and so was my butt. I lifted up my sweater and suddenly my stomach looked large too. Frustrated, I covered my Santa belly again and ran and tucked myself under the covers of my bed. Melissa MUST be skinnier then me. And prettier, and smarter. I know exactly what Ali would say if she could see me. I could practically hear her voice in my head agreeing with all of my claims. Asking if I could at least lose a couple pounds so that I could even be compared to Melissa.

I was suddenly glad that I hadn't eaten my dinner. Like I needed it. I decided to study for Math for at least half an hour before bed, I already knew the material, as usual. And then I could get up early and re take that awful science test.

**Author's Note: Hey guys! Please review! I am totally new to this and would love tips and comments, just be nice please! THANKS! First Fanfic! :)**


	2. Chapter 2

Before school I had texted Toby and he had suggested we meet this morning for coffee. I had replied without a second thought and was waiting for him outside the cafe, with his order and mine in hand. I knew exactly what we liked, and he knew my preferences as well. I found his eyes in the crowd of people and he ran up and hugged me, carefully though, so that we wouldn't spill the drinks. I could smell his cologne, which was comforting for some reason.

"You are the most thoughtful person ever Spence. Really though, thanks!"

"I would do it anytime for the best boyfriend ever! Hows your truck?" We sat down at the table right in front of the window that we always claimed.

"Awesome! Apparently the problem with the odometer was an easy fix. What's going on with you?" I sighed. I was still tired from last night.

"Same old. My parents being awful, Melissa being awful, fighting. I don't know, I don't really care." I wasn't really sure how to answer, I knew he would be accepting of anything I said though.

"You know if they ever get on your nerves you can call me up and come over. I'd sure love to have you." He smiled and raised his eyebrows pointedly. I smiled back.

"It'll be fine, but I'll keep that in mind." It sounded pretty nice actually, I might end up taking him up on that.

"Wait, what did you get? It sure cooled down fast." I looked down at the cup of milk I had gotten, which had to have been so much healthier than coffee.

"A refreshing glass of low fat milk. Why?" I gave a corny thumbs up and a commercial smile, but Toby just gave me this confused look of disbelief.

"Why would you want milk instead of coffee? You always drink coffee, you adore it."

"Because it's less calories, and just better for you." I took another sip. He still looked confused.

"Oh common Spencer really? Less calories?"

"Yeah, It's nothing, okay? Do you wanna head to school? I still have to retake that science test."

"Whatever floats your boat. Let's get going!"

We pushed in our chairs and walked down the sidewalk with our arms around each others waists. He was so wonderful. Thoughtful, caring, sweet, and what girl can complain about a six pack? And soon I knew I would be beautiful enough for him.

Later in the day I walked to lunch with my friends. Hanna was ranting to us about how dumb our science teacher was and I was agreeing with everything she said. We took our usual table in the cafeteria. Everyone got out their food while Hanna continued on her relentless rant. I reached into my sack to see the sandwich I had made myself this morning, orange slices, and a bag of chips. I set out the sandwich and the orange slices, but hesitated with the chips. I probably wouldn't be hungry enough for them anyways, and who needs the extra carbs? As I was reading the nutrition facts, Emily interrupted my thoughts.

"Spence what are you doing?" Suddenly everyone was baring a questioning expression.

"Math. It's fine guys." Which, technically I was, mentally calculating the calories and fat. I put the chips back in the bag and turned my attention back to Hanna, who didn't look like she was going to continue.

"Okay, we know your a nerd and smarter then smart Spence, but nobody spends their lunch time doing math."

"Were you reading the nutrition facts?" Aria gave me a weird look. And then Hanna and Emily started giggling. I wanted ask them what on earth was funny.

"No, it's fine okay? No big deal, lets hear the rest of Hanna's rant shall we?" Aria stopped me.

"Spencer, you don't need to be adding up calories, and you definatley don't need something else to be worrying about, your already OCD about too many things." The other girls agreed to her lies and began eating their lunches. I started on the orange peels, knowing those would be acceptable, but decided to throw away the chips and only eat half the sandwich. And then this afternoon I could go running. And then maybe do some crunches. It would be fine.

**Author Note: Please read and review, it's my first story and I would love tips and comments! Reviews will encourage me to get the rest of the chapters up! :)))))))**


	3. Chapter 3

It was another one of those awful silent meals. Chewing, clanking, and I was surprised that I hadn't fought with Melissa. Yet.

"Did you bring your English grade up yet Spencer?" My father began.

"Yes, I have a 97 now." I looked up for the reaction.

"That's okay, but a 98 would look better on a Yale application you know. I'd like it if you would bring up your Math as well." My mother nodded, agreeing. Of course.

I had been picking at my pasta for awhile. It wasn't worth eating. It was nothing but carbs and extra calories I didn't need. I had to stick to my diet plan, and I wasn't about to mess it up by eating an entire bowl of spaghetti.

"Honey, aren't you going to eat more than that? You didn't eat hardly anything at all last night either." Didn't my mother have more important things to worry about?

"I will." And I reassured her by taking a bite, and making sure she saw. She rolled her eyes like this was the very least of her concerns, which I'm sure it was. As soon as I had swallowed I looked down at my napkin in guilt.

After dinner I ran up to my room and changed into some more comfortable study clothes. As I was slipping on my sweats I looked in the mirror. My stomach was huge. This whole week my diet had barely done a thing. I walked into my bathroom in nothing but a bra and sweats. I stepped on the scale. I had only lost 8 pounds. That wasn't enough, I still looked as fat as I had been before.

I pulled on a shirt and grabbed my History workbook. After I finished tomorrows homework I was going to do fifty crunches. At least.

The numbers and calories squirreled in my head. All I could see were the numbers glaring at me, making me bigger. Too many of this, too many of that. Which is why, right after that I created a new, and better way of eating.

I eat only what I deemed to be appropriate, and the rest gets thrown away or hidden. You start by cutting things up. A lot, because it makes it look like you've eaten it. Then ask questions. Beginning to take a bite with the food on your fork, and then beginning to talk... just in time to put the food back on your plate. If people are distracted, then you see how much you can put into your sleeve or down your bra. If they notice you haven't eaten a lot or think you aren't going to, then you up the anti and add something else to your plate, though this can be risky. You can also change the subject, or put the food in your mouth, begin chewing, and then put it in a napkin, or go to the bathroom and spit it out. It was such a great game. Something I was actually better at than Melissa. If I ever did it more than I was allowed, it meant ten minutes added to my run. I just know that after all of this, It'll be worth it. My family might start seeing things that I did right, appreciating me. I'll finally be good enough for Toby, and my friends.

I see now why they couldn't before.

* * *

I got up early Sunday morning and put on some shorts, a T-shirt and a sports bra. It was awesome outside, and likely to rain this afternoon, so that meant that I got an early morning jog. I brushed my hair and threw it into a ponytail as I walked out of my house. I ran to the mailboxes, and then all the way down our street and the one next to ours, and then circled back around. But as I was finishing up I heard Aria come out of her house and yell my name.

"Spencer! Hey, what are you doing?" I jogged over to her and stopped for just a minute, out of breath and tired.

"I'm running. What does it look like I'm doing?" I smiled at her, meaning it playfully, but she kept a stern face.

"Why? Why on EARTH are you running? Aren't you tired enough with all your AP classes?"

"Aria relax!" I didn't need her concerned with anything like this. I knew she's disapprove of my dieting plans. She came up to me and grabbed my hand.

"I'm just saying Spence. You seem really tired, and you can do whatever you want... I just don't think you should be running. You get plenty of exercise. And your already thin." I rolled my eyes.

"Okay, whatever Aria, but I know what I'm doing. I'll text you when I finish my project!" I waved at her as I ran up the steps of my house. She still looked kind of disappointed in some way. I guess she wouldn't be the first person to be disappointed by me.

I reached into the fridge for a small snack before lunch, since I had skipped breakfast. I was about to grab some crackers, but I stopped myself. I ended up choosing celery instead, because it doesn't have any calories.

When I got upstairs my phone rang and Toby's caller ID popped up on the screen. I smiled and answered it.

"Hey Toby." My heart skittered a little, excited.

"Hey Spence, I really wanted to hang out this weekend. Are you free?" Inside I screamed YES!

"Uhhm" The gears in my head started turning, between exercising, calling Aria, and this huge project due on Monday, it didn't seem likely.

"I don't think so. But I miss you, and we should do something soon!"

"Do you wanna go to breakfast at that cafe we always go to in the morning before school?"

"Sure, lets do it! It' a date!" I could just see his gleeful eyes in my head on the other end of the phone.

"Great, I'll see you there. I love you." I smiled.

"Love you too." And we hung up. I loved it when he said those words. They were always soothing. I just wish he had someone better to love. Someone prettier and just better.

I walked into my bathroom once again and stood on the automatic scale. I had lost a total of 9 pounds. And still looked like the fat girl I was when I started.

"Spencer, come down here and eat lunch!" I paused considering it.

"What are we having?" Praying that it was something small.

"Grilled cheese and carrots, come down!"

I pranced down the stairs and asked mom if I could eat in my room because of this project, which she only allowed because she knew I would be working. I ran back up the stairs and grabbed a trash bag out from under my bathroom counter. I dumped all the contents of the plate into it and tied it up. Where could I hide it? I stuffed it into the side of my backpack, figuring that at school tomorrow I could just toss it into one of the many trashcans in the cafeteria when no one was looking. Maybe I am getting smarter.

Now what was left of that project?

**Author's Note: Hey, I know this was a short chapter, i just felt like this part was kind of important. The next chapter is going to filled with stuff and it's very long so stay tuned in. I also just wanted to say that if it seems like I'm rushing uploading these, I am not. Before I got my account, these were already written and typed up, just for fun. All I'm doing before publishing them here is taking a moment to revise and edit anything I think should be better or don't like. I just wanted to explain that I had already done them a little earlier in the summer. Reviews are awesome! Thanks so much! Just because I've already drafted it doesn't mean i won't change it! Tips and hints are appreciated! :)**


	4. Chapter 4

Toby said that he would pick me up and then take me to school this morning, so I was waiting with my backpack on the stairs of my house. My stomach growled relentlessly, but it was a comforting kind of hunger. Like it should be like that. I had decreased the amount of my dinner that I was eating, which made it a little harder to go running after wards, I just knew it had to be done. The feeling right after I got up the stairs into the safety of my room, panting and exhausted and out of energy was worth it. I felt like it was right, like I was finally doing something right. Not realizing where my thoughts were taking me, I realized Toby had pulled up in front of my house.

"Hey, common Spence let's go to breakfast!" He honked his horn at me and grinned out the car window. His happiness is always reassuring. I skipped down the sidewalk and hopped into his pick up truck. As soon as I had shut the door I smiled back at him, and he leaned over and kissed me. I wish it had lasted longer than it had, sending sparks all the way to the tips of my fingers. He pulled back into his seat and just looked at me for a moment, first lovingly, then something else.

"You look different...smaller. Did you lose weight?" His adoration turned into...I don't quite know. Concern?

"Yeah I did."

"Oh. Well, you know you don't need to." He was trying to be nice, I could tell.

"Whatever. Don't worry about it."

I looked back over at him. He looked like there was something else that he wanted to say. Some other thought trying to make it from his mind to my ears. Probably how I should keep losing weight. How I looked fat in the little dress I was wearing, and how the lace sweater I had added to cover up my arms wasn't helping. But he just left it and we began to drive. He told me about his new construction projects and made small talk about things going on at school. I was having a hard time paying attention, my mind was wandering because I was so tired, and didn't have a lot of energy. We talked about my friends and his friends and finally arrived at the cafe. He unbuckled and asked me what I wanted. I had been staring out the window and didn't realize what he was asking.

"Spencer? What do you want me to order?"

"Oh! Just a glass of water."

He was about to get out, but he got back in and shut the car door. Like I was in trouble, or had done something wrong.

"You can't have a glass of water for breakfast Spencer. You need something that will give you energy. Seriously what do you want?"

I stared at him for a minute, not believing what he was trying to say. Does he WANT me to get fat?

"You have to eat something. I'm not going to not get you anything Spence."

"You can't control everything I eat Toby. Just trust me!"

He sat there, I didn't know whether or not he was going to consider it. I looked out the window again, as if just outside there were all of the answers and things to say written on the sidewalk.

"I had a bowl of cereal this morning already. I just woke up and was really hungry." Only partly true.

He looked back at me, his face had disappointment and a little frustration hidden in it He finally gave in, and went in to get himself his coffee and a croissant. I waited in the car. I felt awful. I never wanted to lie to Toby, and he probably already knew that what I said wasn't the truth. I certainly didn't want to hurt him, and I didn't want him thinking that there were things I was keeping from him, even though I was. Not even ten minuets later he walked back to the truck, still a little upset with me. I didn't know what else to say. And was out of time to think after I heard the door open and then slam.

"Just tell me whats going on Spencer. You're tired all the time and you look pale. You haven't been yourself lately. Did something else happen with your family?"

"No Toby, I can't really talk about it, but I promise it'll be fine."

"I want us to be able to talk about anything though."

"We can."

That was a pretty bad answer. I wish he knew how much I wanted to tell him, and why I couldn't. It was like there were voices in my head, telling me that I couldn't. The same voices that told me what I could and couldn't eat and how many jumping jacks and sit ups I should do before bed. The voice sounded like Allison.

I wish I could explain to him that soon I would be good enough for him, and how much it was hurting me, but I just didn't have the words. Even though I was practically a walking dictionary, I couldn't find anything of the right definition.

He started the truck and began to drive towards school, and the whole time in the car there was this silence of him waiting for me to tell him, and my not finding the words. When we finally pulled up in front of the school, he didn't give me a kiss goodbye. I just jumped out with my backpack and looked back at him regretfully as he parked.

* * *

We were sitting at our lunch table at lunch, discussing weekend plans, Aria's latest date with Ezra and something else I didn't listen to. I now only packed myself my sandwich and either celery or an apple. I had finished the apple and kept thinking back towards that sandwich, but just couldn't bring myself to eat it. Even as my stomach growled I just thought _I don't need that, I'm fine without it. _As soon as Aria finished her story we were all still smiling at the sweet image of them together. That's when she came down from cloud nine and noticed I wasn't chewing like everyone else was.

"Spencer, did you eat already? That was fast."

"Yeah I did! I just wasn't that hungry."

Emily's expression matched Aria's and she added. "You must not have been because the only thing you ate was that apple. You MUST still be hungry. Are you feeling okay?" Aria nodded in agreement.

"Yeah, you've been acting really tired lately and you just seem so un-energetic."

"Yeah guys! Honestly I'm fine, don't worry about it. I had a huge breakfast."

Hanna looked over at me with a suspicious glare. "No you didn't. Toby called me and told me what happened this morning because he wanted me to talk to you and find out whats going on." I gave her a look asking her why she was saying that, but before I could defend myself she grabbed my lunch bag and opened it. I tried to grab it back from her, but it was already tight in her grasp. I squirmed a little in my seat, trying to hide any of my nervousness.

"What happened with Toby, Hanna?" Emily still needed to be caught up, of course Hanna spilled, much to my discontent. "He said she refuses to eat anything for breakfast and that she doesn't tell him anything. And that shes all health junkee now calculating nutrition facts all the time. Not even coffee, which is like her crack!" "And you exercise like a whole bunch now too." Aria added. "I see you jogging all the time."

I tired to protest. "Hanna! That's not true! I had cereal before we went for coffee this morning, and it is FINE if I pay attention to nutrition. And if I want to go jogging" I looked pointedly at Aria, "that is fine, it is healthy to get exercise." Hanna looked doubtful. "But not if you pay so much attention it becomes obsessive. I haven't seen you eat a lot lately either. You barely touch your lunch and you've lost a lot of weight." Before I could get another protest out she shoved the sandwich into my hands. "Since this is the only other thing you packed, eat it."

I looked back at her in disbelief.

"Are you TESTING me?"

"Eat it Spencer. No big deal."

I looked at the sandwich, and then up at Aria and Emily, both staring back at me, waiting for me to wolf it down like some pig. My stomach growled again, wanting me to just take one bite, but that voice in my head told me that if I did, I would gain weight. That I can't give in. Allison's voice. But I picked up the sandwich and took a bite. Half of me was relieved and half of me was angry. So angry and disappointed and fearful of the consequences. I looked back to Hanna.

"Happy?" I said sharply. The food hit the bottom of my empty stomach and my heart went to my throat.

"No, that's called a nibble. Eat the whole thing." She gave me her determined look, which meant that she wasn't leaving until I finished it, and that she was going to watch me chew every bite. I wanted to hit her or run away, but I knew if I did that I would just be digging myself a bigger whole. I picked the dreaded thing back up and took another bite, but this one was awful. I could feel all the fear and anxiety bottling up inside of me. My eyes started tearing up, so I just closed them, willing myself not to cry. I was NOT going to be weak, but I couldn't do this to myself and ruin all of my hard work. I couldn't even hide it well, like I usually do. I gazed at Hanna with anger, and the look back told me it wasn't any easier for her. Aria and Emily noticed it too. Aria grabbed my hand and our eyes locked. I could tell she probably saw everything running through my mind. "Spencer, WHAT is wrong?" Emily scooted closer to us. "Just tell us!" I wanted to shrivel up and disappear. I shook my head violently and grabbed the sandwich, getting up. Hanna tugged my arm, protesting against me, but I pulled just hard enough to break free, run over to the trash can and throw the sandwich in.

Safe.

But then I realized what I had done.

I turned back looking at their shocked faces and then I ran over to the water fountain. I drank as much as I could without having to take a breath and then ran into the girl's bathroom. I checked to make sure no one else was in there and then locked myself in a stall. I felt a moment of pain when I shoved my fingers into the back of my throat and then everything came back up. I did it once more for good measure, but there really wasn't anything left. I gave myself a moment to compose myself and clean up my face. Then I flushed, took a look in the mirror at the horrendous girl looking back at me and went back into the cafeteria.

Just outside the door of the bathroom was Hanna. She started to apologize, and she looked really worried, but I was finished. I just turned and ran away, not caring how many times she called my name.

When I finally got home I was exhausted, and I knew I would have to do extra jumping jacks tonight too, to make up for my stupidity earlier today. I ran up to my room and locked the door. I went into my bathroom and weighed myself. I had lost sixteen pounds since I started. Same as it was yesterday though, which isn't good enough. I unbuttoned my sweater and pulled up my blouse. I could see four ribs, clearly defined and noticed my hip bones were sticking out more My stomach was flat, and my abdomen looked kind of hollow. This wasn't good enough. I wanted to lose twenty pounds by Monday. I put my blouse back down in disgust.

* * *

Later that evening I was just finishing some extra credit when my mother yelled "Spencer, Aria wants to know if she can come up and see you." Damn. I looked for a good excuse that didn't sound rude, but didn't find one quick enough. "I'm just gonna send her up!" Seriously?

Within moments Aria appeared at my door, she knocked, and then peeked in. "Can I come in?" I wondered why she still wanted permission when my mother had clearly already granted it, but I just nodded my head.

"How are you?" She asked quietly, while sitting down on my bed next to me.

"Fine."

"No, seriously."

"I said, I was fine."

"But you obviously aren't! You lost a lot of weight in a short amount of time."

I was staring at the floor, acting like I wasn't freaking out inside. What could I tell her? What believable lies could I conjure up?

"We're worried. Your not you anymore. Spence, a normal person can eat an entire sandwich. And furthermore, the Spencer I know wouldn't have done that to Toby."

"Aria, I just haven't been feeling well lately. I can't eat a lot because then I throw up. It's a stomach bug. I didn't tell you guys because I thought you would tell someone and then I would have to go home and get behind in school. I HATE staying home, and you know I can't take a day off." That sounded pretty good, I just wondered if she would buy it.

"Sick? For almost two weeks? It must be pretty bad, are you sure-"

I interrupted her. "Yes, and I've actually been feeling better lately. Honestly, don't worry!"

She gave me a curious look, but gave up.

"Sometimes you don't tell us everything." She paused, still considering. "But I guess I trust you."

I forced a smile for her.

"Everything is FINE."

She pulled me off of my bed and hugged me tight. Then as she was walking out, she turned back to me and said. "Just, don't lose anymore weight? Okay?"

"I know, I know."

She smiled and left. As soon as the door shut I stared at my textbooks. I needed to get some work done, but I was still swimming with guilt. But of course, the voice in my head appeared just in time. _Just a few more pounds Spencer. Soon you won't be ugly anymore. No one could love you the way you are you know. _I slouched down on my bed, knowing that the voice was right. My thighs were too big, my butt was too big. I was almost surprised I wasn't hungry. After a while though, you stop being hungry, and you just start feeling empty. Hollow.

And I adored it.

**Author's Note: Hey guys! I worked hard on this chapter, I'm pretty happy with it. If you guys have any tips or hints, I'd would be appreciative. Thanks for the reviews though, because they have been helpful and encouraging! I know this kind of topic can be kind of tough, from personal experiences and from what I hear. Tell me if you think something about the way I'm writing it should be tweaked. THANKS! :)**


	5. Chapter 5

Melissa noticed that I was getting thinner. She commented on it when I came home yesterday. I hope she's jealous. I'm sure Melissa could never have this sort of self-control. She would give in so much easier, so much quicker. It's like a talent. Like how Emily is good at swimming and Aria is good at art. I'm naturally good at losing weight. All I have to do is forget to eat.

I woke up this morning with the never ending hunger in my stomach, complaining. I ignored it, which has become normal and easy. I stretched my legs and then sat up and stood up off of my bed. That's when it came over me. I stumbled a little and leaned over to grab the table next to my bed. I pushed myself back onto my bed and closed my eyes. It was like I had lost all of my sense of balance. It was weird, it had never happened to me before. I just took a minute to focus on something, and then I slowly got dressed and ready for school.

It was a Tuesday. I had a french paper due, and Science and Math midterms started today. I was getting everything for first period from my locker. I grabbed my paper and french binder and decided to go to the library and see if there was any last minute changes to make to the paper. On the way there I saw Toby in the hallway and stopped. I wasn't sure if he was still upset or not. He looked up and saw me and walked up to me.

"So, hey."

"Hey."

"Where are you going?"

"Library. Just some final revisions to a french paper. Will you help me?"

He considered it for a moment, debating then smiled. It was the most reassuring thing we could have done.

"Sure, I'm sure it's already perfect though. It's the work of Spencer Hastings."

He put his arm around me and kissed my forehead.

"You know, your such a perfectionist Spencer. But don't expect yourself to be perfect."

"I know I'm not. I mean obviously, look at me. But a lot of people can come really close to it."

Toby's smile was erased.

"What do you mean 'look at me'? You ARE perfect Spencer. You don't need to change."

"There's nothing wrong with trying to make yourself better Toby. Don't worry."

He didn't seem convinced though. He just shut me up with a kiss. I missed kissing him. I transferred my french supplies to my outside arm so I could put my other arm around his neck. He continued the kiss and I felt his arm go from my shoulder down to my waist. That's when I pulled away from him and grabbed his arm. I instantly wished I hadn't. It had been so sweet. The look on his face was hurt, and a hint of frustration that I had seen before. I gripped his hand in mine though, and took his chin and was instantly apologetic.

"I'm sorry, I don't know what that was. Let's just go to the library."

His expression didn't change, but he nodded and led me just down the hall.

When we got to the library he led me over to the table in the corner and I gave him my paper.

I sat for a moment across from him, just looking at his face, how amazing he was. Then I decided while he was reading, that I might want to make improvements on my vocabulary in the paper, and got up to get a french dictionary. That's when the second wave of dizziness hit me. I got to my feet and wobbled and grabbed the chair.

Unfortunately he noticed. "Spencer, are you okay?"

"Uh, yeah." I tried to focus on something but I just couldn't. My eyes were trying to see from the insides or something and it almost ached. I suddenly had this urge to lie down and my legs gave out from under me and I blacked out before my hands could catch me. I didn't even have time to think about how scared I was.

The last thing I saw was her falling to the ground. I leapt out of the library chair and ran to her side, kneeling over her. I never should have let it go this far.

"Spencer are you okay? Can you hear me?!" She lay motionless on the floor. It looked like she was sleeping, which I could only dream of being true in this case.

"SPENCER?" No answer. I picked up her still body, cradling her in my arms and dashed as fast as I could to the nurse's office, not caring about her books and assignments left on the round table. I looked down at her limp body in my arms. She was so beautiful. And it definitely shouldn't have been this easy to carry her. I looked at her bony arms and small thighs. Everyone loves you Spencer, so why can't you? Just a little?

I woke up in the nurse's office. The nurse's office. That was my first panic sign. I quickly sat up and looked around. I peeked behind the curtain that they had around me and saw Toby sitting in a chair around the corner with his head in his hands. I also heard nurse Harvey telling him to wait outside for me. I would have to face him, again. Guilt filled me, guilt and a does of fear. I laid back down and attempted to organize my thoughts and get some more oxygen into my body, I realized I was short of breath and still felt kind of drained, but I had to act like I was fine. This time I created in my head a family history of random blood pressure problems. It MUST have been something with my blood pressure, I smiled at myself. Even I believed this story. "Oh, you didn't know my family had a history of blood pressure issues nurse Harvey? That's odd."

"You go home and take a long nap, and eat a big meal. Okay honey? And if this happens again, you should, at the very least come straight to me." "Of course Ms. Harvey." I showed off the fake smile I had perfected, and briefly braced myself for Toby.

I stepped outside the door and he jumped out of his seat and rushed over to me. "How are you? What's wrong?"

"I don't really know. I figured that I just passed out, and now I'm really tired, and my head hurts."

"Let me take you home, I'll come back and get your car for you later. The school day is almost over anyways."

"I was OUT for THAT long?"

He gave me a look telling me that was the least of my worries and lead me to his pick up, we hopped in. I didn't know where to start, and I guess he didn't either because it stayed awkwardly silent during the short ride to our street. When he pulled up in front of my house he asked if it was alright if he came in with me, to make sure I got settled. He knew he was welcome anytime, but I granted his permission anyways.

I unlocked the door and trudged into my house, with Toby behind me. I wanted to lie down, so we went up to my bedroom. I immediately plopped down onto the mattress and closed my eyes. He eventually came to my side, and rolled over so that he was next to me on the mattress. It was still awkward. Each of us trying to begin, to find a reasonable starting point. I guess he finally decided on one.

"I can't trust you anymore. I just can't. I will not stand by and watch you harm yourself Spencer. I can only imagine what this would have been like if this had gotten worse, or if I hadn't-"

"Toby," I interrupted. "It's not like I'm committing suicide, I'm dieting! You are not in a situation of euthanasia. There is a HUGE difference. I probably just didn't drink enough water or whatever. I'm fine!"

"NO Spencer, you are so far from fine. Why do you even need to diet? You are gorgeous and thin and smart, and I have no idea why you want to change yourself!"

I sat up to face him.

"Because Toby! How could my family even look at me when they have Melissa? She is better at EVERYTHING! This is actually something that I can be good at!"

"Spencer you don't know what is going on, but you have to stop this! You can't lose anymore weight, and you have to eat more than you are!"

"Please, why are you saying that? I eat more than enough!" He paused.

"You eat more than enough? Are you sure about that Spencer?" These words darted out of his mouth like accusations, in disbelief.

"So you would have no problem if I went downstairs right now and made you a sandwich, and watched you eat it. Crust and all?" I paused, considering the chances of being able to throw it up afterward. If I drank enough water it wasn't unlikely. He saw through this thought process though.

"Eat the entire meal and not exercise afterward, or make yourself sick." Another pause, followed by a sickening moment. All of the fear bottled up inside of me was a bit too full. My breathing was shaky, and tears filled my eyes. "Don't ask me to." "Why?" I couldn't answer him.

"Spencer. There is something wrong with you. There is something terribly-" I cut him off with a kiss. I wanted him to just stop talking. I needed the comfort, I needed him. And he fulfilled exactly that. Only he kissed me because of worry and frustration. I could feel it. This release of energy was the only thing that kept me from crying. Our passion saved a little bit of the moment, and it kept me from hearing any words I didn't want to hear. He pulled away though.

"I can't stand by and watch you hurt yourself, you have to get help."

"Toby there is nothing wrong with me!"

"Either I tell your parents, or you do."

I stared at him for a moment. I hated him. Every bone in his body, for that second. Who did he think he was, that he could just control me like some puppeteer?

"I can't believe you."

"I'm only doing this to help you Spence." He took my hair in his hands, and while he was combing his fingers through it, he realized how much of it was still on his hand when he pulled away, how much thinner my hair looked now. I thought back to how much of it had been coming out, mostly when I brushed my hair, but also when I took showers. I could see the hurt in his eyes.

"Toby, I'll eat more. I promise." _Will you Spencer? Or are you just making promises you can't keep. Will you really make yourself fat again? You CAN'T gain weight. _Her voice was convincing, forceful. But I gazed into his eyes, wanting to mean it, wanting to be so truthful, and I guess he believed me.

"Good. Because I love you so much. And I don't want you to change. You are absolutely perfect, and in my book, nobody can compete with that."

His words filled me up. I pulled him to me, still laying on my bed. This kiss was certain. I never wanted to do anything to hurt him ever again. I could feel his hands go from my thinning hair, to my back, and I draped my arms around his neck. I wished this moment would never end.

We had to send him home before my parents or Melissa got home. But we had a better time together that we had had in a while. He grabbed his keys off of my nightstand, and kissed my forehead one last time. "I love you too." I reminded him. He smiled before closing the door to my room, and after a minute, I heard my front door close. He looked relaxed. I hope he stays that way. I hope I don't hurt him anymore. Deep down, I knew that I couldn't gain any weight. I lay there on my bed, crying into my pillow, because I knew I couldn't stop. Part of me was scared. The other part of me knew it was for the better.

The other part of me was thrilled.

**Author's Note: Sorry this is taking a while, I have so much I have to do before school starts, especially this week. And even though a lot of this is pre-written, I ended up wanting to change a lot of it. I'll try to keep it up, maybe a weekly update thing. :) THANKS! Reviews are much appreciated!**


	6. Chapter 6

When I got up the next morning, I looked in the mirror and stared. At the bruises on my arms, my knees, and one in the middle of my forehead. It must have been from when I fell and passed out, which my family didn't know about, and didn't NEED to know about. I was extremely thankful the nurse had believed me, and hadn't decided to call my parents anyways. It would be easy to cover my knees, I just pulled a pair of skinny jeans from my amour. I then pulled on a pretty, vintage top with lace around it, and decided to cover up my arms with a thick sweater, that way it might keep me warm too, though now that it was getting colder I found it almost impossible to stay warm. I found a light pink sweater that was cute with the top and put it on. It wouldn't keep me from shivering, but I wasn't sure anything in my closet could do that. As for the bruise on my forehead, that would be harder. I started by painfully putting some makeup on it, and then I added a white beret. The little hat only covered about half the bruise, but it still made it a lot less noticeable, and that was worth it.

I grabbed my backpack and purse and went downstairs. I could hear my mother on the phone in her room and Melissa was still upstairs, while my father had had to leave early this morning. I took a piece of bread out of the pantry and got a paper plate. I sprinkled crumbs from the bread all over the plate, but through the actual toast away, hiding it in the bottom of the trash. I then took a five-calorie piece of Double-mint out of my purse, and started chewing it. I yelled to my mother that I was leaving, to which she yelled back: "Go ahead!" I left the plate there so that she would think I had eaten something, and grabbed my car keys.

When I walked onto the campus, Hanna texted me saying that we were all in the courtyard at our usual table, so I made a quick locker stop, so I would be overly prepared for first period, and I went to meet them. When I walked up to the table, I sat down in the spot they had saved for me and casually greeted them... but I was answered with silence.

"Guys?"

"Spence, what happened?"

Well it took them a lot shorter than I would have hoped to notice. I played dumb.

"What do you mean what happened?"

"What happened to your forehead?" Emily had a worried expression.

"Oh, that," As if it was nothing "I just hit my head.

"On what? A baseball bat?" It was Hanna this time, her expression matched Emily's, but was, if anything, amplified.

"No...on a... a door, just when I was on my way home yesterday. Walking through the halls, nobody pays attention to anybody, you guys know how that is."

They didn't look ready to capitulate, but they didn't press the issue further. They actually looked frustrated if anything. I wanted to tell them again, that it was only an accident, but lying to them was the worst part of this whole diet. I hated lying to them. And to Toby. To my family? That was no problem, but I felt like I cared about them more. They probably couldn't exactly say the same. Emily looked at Hanna.

"Will you go to the bathroom with me?" She nodded.

"Yeah, I'll see you guys fourth period."

As they were leaving, they had some sort of silent eye contact communication going on, none of which I could clearly read. But it was bugging me.

"What's going on?" No one wanted to answer me.

"Is there something you guys aren't telling me?"

Now it was just Aria and I. She looked at the grass beneath us before finally looking at me. I locked her gaze, and I could feel a little guilt beneath her.

"Aria, just tell me!"

"No Spencer. First you tell us."

Was this some sort of voodoo mind game?

"What? Aria there is nothing to tell." I shook my head in confusion.

"We saw Toby this morning. He's really worried. And upset, and he told us why you weren't at school. We should have heard that from you first. And you should be truthful with us Spencer, we tell each other everything." Her voice was slowly raising.

"Aria, I-"

"No. You need to explain yourself to us, and to Toby. We are all really worried about you! You lost like 20 pounds really fast, which is scary because you were already a beanpole, you passed out and then lied to us about it, and that whole episode with the sandwich?"

"ARIA, I am fine, my eating is fine, and I want you to trust me, okay? Everything is going to be fine now. Toby made me talk to my parents."

This got her attention, she paused, considering this.

"And?" I could hear the hope in her voice.

"And I'm fine."

She sighed. She probably wanted more than that out of me, but that's all she was going to get.

During lunch I saw Toby, my friends actually let him sit with us. We all chattered, and then he asked me that question I had been dreading. "So, did you tell your parents, what did they say?" He looked really hopeful, like Aria. Giddy even. I hadn't talked to my parents. I hadn't even said a word to them in a couple of days. And I didn't plan on it. But they didn't have to know that.

"Well, just that they would make sure I eat more, and make sure I gained some weight."

My friends smiled. Toby looked relieved.

"Good."

"And you know-" Hanna added, "No matter how much weight you gain, you always be my beautiful beanpole Spence."

"Thanks.." I didn't even try to seem flattered. How could they lie to my face? It was so frustrating. They probably only said those things because they pity me.

I hadn't been aware of how little I had actually eaten. Of course though, they had.

"You haven't eaten very much yet though. Eat your sandwich!" Aria prompted me.

I sighed and took out my sandwich. I played with the bag for a minute, thinking my usual games would work, but they continued to stare at me. I sighed, braced myself and took a bite of the sandwich. The little Allison inside my head was going crazy. _What are you thinking? You're the last one that should be even thinking about eating that you pig! I bet you'll go home, get on the scale and you'll gain two, maybe three whole pounds! _I hid the grief for my friends, as they all looked at me, beaming, so proud.

By the end of the day I was miserable. Hanna had pulled me away when I tried to go to the bathroom, probably because she knew I'd try to get rid of it. I felt... it was this weird feeling, like I was a lot heavier than I should have been, which is only true. I guess I just wasn't used to feeling full. They drug me back to the table where we all sat outside. They talked and giggled, but I just sat there. Too overwhelmed to speak.

When I got home I skipped upstairs, put down my backpack and got out my Physics folder, laying it on my bed as a reminder to do the assignments tonight. I went to my dresser and pulled out some Nike shorts and a T shirt so I could go jogging. I messily french braided my hair, pulled on some tennis shoes and grabbed a watch, so that I could time how long I had been out. I jumped outside of the door, and ran, barely missing the mailbox. I thought I heard voices, maybe Melissa's car pulling up, but I didn't care because I was tearing, flying, leaping, treating cracks in the sidewalk and overgrown rosebushes as hurdles. It was as if all of my frustration and all of my energy were going through my legs, out through my feet and onto the sidewalk and pavement. I kept going. Five minutes. Ten minutes. The voice in my head willing me not to slow. Slowing down was not an option. Twenty Minutes. I ran because I thought I was crazy. I _knew _I was somehow crazy. I could only imagine what my expression was like, how I probably looked deranged. Hell, I could have been screaming. But it didn't matter, none of it mattered, because at this rate, they'll never catch me.

I had been out for almost an hour and I was now jogging as opposed to the serious ripping leg work I had been pulling earlier. I dodged another mailbox and realized my vision was blurry, and that my legs felt like they were going to fall off. I stopped for a second, grabbing the nearest mailbox and looking down, eyes closed, trying to refocus. I panted heavily, realizing how fast my heart was beating. How it was suddenly difficult and seemingly impossible to get enough oxygen into my body fast enough. I heard a door slam.

"Spencer? Are you okay!?"

Just my luck, managing to stop in front of Aria's house. How can I talk myself out of this one?

"Yeah, I was just running for a while and I got really tired, I'm f-fine."

"Spencer, come on, get inside."

"N-no, Aria," I finally opened my eyes and made an attempt to walk.

"Yes. No buts. Grab my hands."

I groaned and allowed her to lead me inside her house. Once inside she laid me down on her couch and went to get some ice. She kept saying all of these things to me, but I couldn't respond. I stayed there for a while, silent on the cushions. I just kept trying to get enough air into my lungs. She sat next to me on her couch, just staring at me, trying to get me to drink water but I refused. I closed my eyes. I realized how scared I was. I didn't know what was going on, I didn't know what I was doing. This huge knot formed in my throat. I was scared and frustrated and exhausted and angry. Tears slowly dripped down my face, and when I opened my eyes, Aria was crying too.

"Spence, we're so worried. You need to tell us what's going on. Please, just tell me." Her body shook and she clutched my hands. I shook my head. _You can't tell her, she'll ruin you. _Part of me wanted to, but that small fraction was quickly erased from the drawing board of options. Aria cried on.

"Spencer, we've told each other everything, why is this different? Please-"

"No. I want to. I can't." My breathing was erratic.

"Is it -A? Is she blackmailing you or something? Why can't you?" Aria begged me.

I just shook my head again. Aria pulled me into a hug and we sat there, sobbing into each others arms for a long time. When I though about it, I realized that it almost was like being blackmailed. That little voice even sounded like -A. But the scary thing was that it wasn't -A. It was just a part of myself.

**Author's Note: Sorry It's been a while, I will update again very soon, I didn't change much in the next chapter and was pretty happy with it. I'll try to stay with the weekly update thing. THANK YOU! Please read and review! :)**


	7. Chapter 7

I don't remember what time I got home last night. I just remember Melissa trying to be mad at me, me not having it, and my parents barely even noticing I was gone. I was sitting on my bed, studying for an test in AP Environmental Science. Looking at the words but not actually registering them. My mind was all over the place. I had eaten a package of goldfish and a glass of milk this morning... I should have been just fine. Where was my focus?

Fifteen minutes later I heard a creak and footsteps. Toby appeared at the doorway.

"Hey, I hope you don't mind me dropping in like this?"

"Please, you're welcome any time! Com'ere."

He walked over to me and lounged on my bed with me, greeting me with a little peck on the lips.

"Whatcha reading?"

"Studying for the APES test. Kill me now."

"Well maybe I can make your study time a little more enjoyable."

He pushed me to lie down on the pillows and kissed me. Oh God I missed him. He looked into my eyes and smiled, and then my smile mirrored his.

"Spencer, can I ask you something?"

"You can ask me anything."

"How did the whole telling your parents thing go?"

I paused, opening my mouth thinking that I would have an immediate answer, and then closed it again, realizing I didn't. I stuttered for an answer.

"I-well, I-You know, it was fine." I said, nodding to it, trying to make it sound convincing.

"Really? So if I stay until your parents get home, and ask them about it, they'll tell me all about their plans to help you?" He said it hopefully, but also trying to get a piece of truth out of me.

"Yup." I hoped he was bluffing.

"Really? Because you haven't stopped losing weight. When exactly does your family plan on putting this plan into action. How long do they plan on waiting? How-"

"Toby. Just stop." I said this so that I wouldn't have to hear more, but also to try to keep him calm. And to calm myself.

"They ARE helping me. Okay?"

"Then why are you still tired all the time?"

I laid there, still, thinking of some sort of answer.

"Why can't you focus? Why are you pale? Why can't you sleep?"

I stared at him, willing him to stop. He didn't.

"I don't want to watch the pounds fall off of you. I don't want to feel your ribcage through your sweater anymore when I hug you in the hallway!" His voice had grown and he was standing over me now. I stood up with him, grabbing his hand and telling him that he didn't have to yell.

"Spencer, I am going to do something to help you. If you can't, I will."

"Listen!" My voice had raised now too, not that it mattered, no one was home.

"Everything if fine! I am fine, my eating is fine, and the only thing that is NOT fine is you trying to control it."

"How can I stop worrying? I will only stop worrying when you begin to eat and act like the Spencer we know and love."

"I AM the Spencer you know and love Toby!"

"No, you're not. You are someone else. And Spence, I miss you so much. I only get glimpses.."

His voice was slowing now, we was clutching my hands, and almost whispering.

"Glimpses of who YOU are. When you laugh, or tell me how easy the French test was, or kiss me. But when I see you in the hallway, talking to your friends, you are something else. Please don't go away. Please stay."

I stared into his eyes, and then over his shoulder, out of guilt.

"I want to. Toby, I do. I can't.."

"What?"

Everything wanted to spill out. The answers, all of the different parts of me, how the number on the scale tormented me. _You hush. He will ruin you, don't become that same ugly girl you used to be. Wouldn't it be wonderful to be perfect? You just need to lose a little more weight._

"Spencer, I'm done with the excuses. The lies, I hate it and-"

"I never meant to hurt you! I love you Toby, you-"

"NO. Spencer, I don't want you to change. I don't want the little bits and pieces of you that I have now, I want YOU. I want you to come and find me when you've figured that out."

I watched him leave, trudge downstairs, slam the front door. I loved him. The adoration filled e, and I wanted so desperately to follow him, convince him that it would be all right, to talk to my parents. But I didn't even have the energy to do that. My exhaustion even tore down my love for Toby Cavanaugh. That's the first time I ever truly hated that little voice.

I got up early that next morning, and was about as tired as I was the night before, but that wasn't anything new. I went into my bathroom to fishtail my hair, and I was brushing through it, I realized how thin it was getting, how much of it fell out when I brushed it...how little of it there was left to brush. I threw on a sweater, some boots and grabbed my school stuff.

When I arrived at school, I rushed inside, as I was absolutely freezing from head to toe, and ran inside, wishing I had brought an additional jacket or coat. I found Emily pretty fast, and she asked me questions about our APES test as we walked to the cafeteria, where Hanna and Aria were lounging, and we joined them. As I was answering another one of Emily's study questions, I realized that Hanna had another jacket and stopped.

"So facilitated diffusion is just another form of passive transport within a cell, so-wait Hanna, can I PLEASE borrow that jacket."

"Why?"

"Well, It's freezing out here!"

"Spencer, it's only in the high sixties."

"I don't care, I'm pretty sure my fingers are developing frostbite, can I have it?"

"I guess, but why are you so cold? I'm not that cold. Emily is fine with her sweater. Aria's teeth aren't chattering while yours are going as fast a sewing machine."

This seemed like a pretty dumb question...people get cold. That's that. Furthermore, my frostbite was only getting more intense by the minute.

"Hanna, people get cold."

"WE are people and WE aren't cold. YOU cannot maintain your own body heat." She argued as she finally passed over the jacket.

"Can too!" I replied, as if this were some sort of childish fight. Hanna rolled her eyes and exchanged expressions with Aria and Emily.

"Oh, by the way, what are you doing tonight?" asked Emily.

"Nothing, I was going to work on a project, but it's not due for quite a while. Why?"

"We were thinking of going to see a movie. Come with?"

"Why not?" Sounded pretty fun, I missed hanging out with them.

"Okay, I'll drive us! Meet me after school in student parking behind the orchestra room."

After last period French, I walked from my locker to where Hanna, Emily, and Aria were in the student lot. When I walked down to all of them standing around by Em's car, they were clumped together with their backs to me, whispering.

"Hey, guys."

They spun around and recognized my presence, but it was awkward, like they didn't want me there.

"Hey Spence."

"Hey guys, what were you talking about, I missed the beginning of the conversation."

"Nothing" Aria replied a little too quickly. Another awkward silence.

"Here, hop in, we'll head to the theatre."

They were all acting weird. Like there was some elephant in the room that they were pretending was invisible. Even so, I hopped in the van between Hanna and Aria, with Emily in the front seat, and our school bags and purses piled up in shotgun.

"Hanna, if you or Aria want to sit shotgun, then go ahead!"

"No, it's fine Spence!"

"Okay... So really, what were you guys whispering about before I came?"

Silence. Emily turned on the car, and locked the doors. More silence. More awkward.

Hanna began "Spencer. There is something wrong with you."

"There is..what? I'm sorry?"

Aria touched my shoulder. "You never sleep, never eat, and you don't hardly act like yourself anymore."

My mouth hung open in disbelief. I shook my head in protest, but they didn't give me a chance to get words in. Aria's voice was growing.

"We love you Spence, and this is why we 're doing this. What you're doing is SO dangerous. If you keep losing weight at this rate, it could kill you, and we care about you to much to watch that happen to you!"

Emily jumped in "Watching you these past months has been awful. And when I say that, I speak for everyone." I stopped her there, I didn't want to hear anymore.

"Stop! Okay, I get it, that you guys don't like what I'm doing, but it's what I need to be doing. I hate that you guys don't trust me. I eat more than I probably should be eating, so stop freaking out about my diet! It's MY diet." I tried to get out of the car. I was furious and fed up and I no longer wanted to be a part of whatever stupid little plan they had devised to ruin me. I tried to get out of the car, but aria and Hanna pulled me down, and even if I got to the doors, I realized that they were locked. I was trapped. This had been their plan all along. In that instant I hated them. I wanted to scream.

"Just let me go!" I pulled back into the seat.

"No Spencer! Tell us exactly what's going on, why-"

"You don't get it!" Now I was screaming, because it felt in that moment like I was trapped, but my voice could go wherever it wanted to go. I was too weak to fight against my two best friends, but my voice could do it for me. If I could not hurt with strength, I would hurt with words.

"You don't get it! You don't know what it's like to fat, and ugly. And disgusting and hated and tired. I want to do this one thing to myself, for myself, but nobody will let me do it. You have no idea how hard I've worked to try to be pretty. To even have a hope of being wonderful. And now-" I could feel a frog in my throat. I was looking around at them, at the devastation of their faces.

"Now you want to ruin me. You can't control me! You can't make me stay unperfect! Because I control me! All of you get that wonderful feeling of accomplishment from swimming, or art, or fashion, and I get that from losing weight! That's ALL I have." I had stopped screaming because it hurt, and now I was just ranting through my tears.

"That's all I want, so don't take that away from me. I have given up EVERYTHING to be pretty, and thin. You don't know what it's like to be tired and hungry all the time! To be mad at yourself all the time, to constantly only want to make yourself better. To not even have control over your own, ugly thoughts. Please-" I could feel the tears dropping from the edge of my face. Aria had wiped away some of them, but now there were to many for her small sleeve to sustain.

We sat there in that locked car for a long time, at least protected from the cold wind. It wasn't long before everyone was crying and holding each other. We stayed there for a very long time. Just telling one another that we were beautiful. That we didn't need to change ourselves, because we were so perfect already. Listing each others many talents off to one another. Telling stories, of great things that we did together. Throughout the entire conversation, that piece of me wouldn't stop buzzing. Of them promising me that I was gorgeous and perfect and a genius. And also too thin. That they were going to help me get better. That they were there for me, that it was something fixable. But it wasn't. I didn't want it to be. Stop telling me you understand because you don't. It won't be fine, I don't even know if I want it to be fine. I'm far from 'too thin'. I'm not finished. There isn't anything wrong with me.

Don't treat me like I'm made of glass.

Because it is exhausting to want to live this much. To fight through every day like a gladiator. Because you have to have some sort of soul-crushing hope that things will get better to be this afraid of missing it, to want something so badly. I feel like I am anything but glass.

**Author's Note: Thank you for your patience! I have all my ideas together, I know what I'm going to incorporate, how it's going to end and everything, and I'm SO excited! Thank you for reading and reviewing! I do apologize for the wait. Life is insane. Dance is even more insane. I have been so inspired lately, so look forward to some more good chapters. Thanks!**

**p.s. SO excited for upcoming PLL episodes!**


	8. Chapter 8

We didn't go to any such movie. Emily drove all of us home. I hopped out of her car, waved goodbye with a smile and feeling of sincerity I hadn't had it a long time. Aria said she was going to start coming over to my house in the evenings so we could eat dinner together, besides, she needed a little help in Calculus. Hanna was going to eat lunch with me every day, and Emily was talking to Toby. And while I knew all of this was good, I couldn't help but feeling overwhelmed.

I don't know where to go from here. I remember when I didn't have to worry about gaining weight, or what I ate. I remember when I could go out with my friends and actually have a nice time and enjoy myself. What I don't remember is the last time I felt proud of myself. Or the last time I ate three meals in one day.

I remember all of those _wonderful_ days when I didn't bat an eyelash about any of these things, and I remember when I first started thinking about all of these things, and I can't help but thinking how easy it was to slip into. And now that I am where I am now, I feel impossibly trapped. I don't think I'll ever get out. I can't always admit that enjoy the way my mind works, but I also can't imagine it not working the way it does. I can't imagine not hearing those skinny quiet voices, and not worrying about all of these things. Even though I think I know somewhere deep down that it's destroying me, I can't even decide whether I _care_? My friends say that I will get better. I don't know if I _can_ get better, or even if I want to. _Im terrified_.

_I__am no father time, but I do know this: All of these moments will become stories someday, and all of these pictures, whether I am skeletal, or thirty pounds heavier, will become old photographs. And I have wasted the four years that everyone seems to look back on as being this golden time of your life._ It's almost over. It's almost over anyways.

I could very easily let myself die. I could let this part of myself that isn't even the bad guy, it just wants to be alive, take over the rest of me, and just watch myself be eaten alive by it... see what I did there? _Eaten alive?_

I went upstairs into my bedroom, tossing my school bags on the floor, and my bag onto my bed. I went into the bathroom and looked in the mirror, still hidden in Hanna's jacket from this morning. I took it off and even under my sweater I could see the way there was no longer muscles on my legs and arms, and nothing over my abdomen but some protruding ribs, and lower down, my hips. I had lost a total of just over thirty five pounds. I didn't even have the energy to put myself on the scale. I just walked over to my bed, fainted onto the mattress, and stayed there, staring at my ceiling. I sighed, and eventually regained that feeling before you begin to sob.

_I'm scared I'll be one of those people that forgets what it's like to be seventeen when I turn eighteen. But what worries me is that these are not memories and faded photographs yet, this is happening. I am here. And I am causing all of the people that I love to feel pain, but I have no reason to believe that I am not a sad story. I just want to be infinite. Well, no. Because even if I am remembered by every person one hundred years from now, they will not know what is important and true and special, and what will help them more than any discovery I could ever make. I just want to feel infinite, and when that happens, I will be infinite in a sense that no one else needs to ever know. But I will know that I am alive, and wonderful and perfect. And infinite._

_**Author's Note: I know, it's been WAY to long, practically forever! I was really proud of this chapter even though it didn't advance the plot, it had a lot of key idea's and inspired themes I was very proud of. I also know that it is very short, but the next chapter will hopefully advance the plot much more. I have debated many different ideas from here, and also whether or not and how much Spencer is going to get better. I think i have decided but you know I love ya'lls input so please read and review! You could even message me? THANKS.**_


	9. Chapter 9

I woke up the next day having not even washed the makeup from my face. But what my tears didn't get, my facial wash did. I just pulled over this pretty sweater, some skinny jeans that didn't fit me any more and some old, scruffed up boots. Then I realized that it was a Saturday. Thank God.

I instantly pulled out my French textbook and began studying. After about an hour I got a text from Emily saying that she had talked to Toby about what happened, and that he still argued that we should tell my parents, but she calmed that idea and told him that we should wait. She also mentioned that he wanted to come over and see me, so I texted him, saying that he should come over sometime today, or tomorrow evening, because I busy in the morning.

I realized that we had never exactly come to a consensus on who wanted to watch me eat, or try to eat, breakfast. So I didn't have any. Who cares? It's just breakfast. Besides, I was on a roll, I hadn't eaten anything yesterday either, and the day before that I only had some lunch.

Hanna came over just after noon. She opened the door to my room to find me organizing my clothes. "Hey Spence, you ready to whip up somethin' scrumptious?" Dear God, she even had this big stupid smile on her face. "Sureeeeee." I said, not taking my attention off of my sock drawer. "Oh, common! We can make pretty much anything. What do ya want? " She sat on my bed and tugged on my sweater. I stopped what I was doing. I had a small moment of... I don't know... disbelief? And then I felt a little bad, because I did something kind of mean. I slowly turned around, giving Hanna this look that asked her if she seriously just said that. And I laughed.

"Hanna, dear Hanna. Is that like, a trick question?" I said skeptically, still giggling. "No, Spencer. Seriously, tell me what you want to eat." She looked a little but more serious now. _Don't you get it?_ "Nothing!" I looked at her, almost wanting her to feel bad. "...Hanna..." I scoffed "nothing!"

"Spencer, this is serious." "I know. I am being serious!" Now she looked a little frustrated. "You weigh even less than you used to. I am perfectly capable of forcing you to eat anything I deem eatable, which is unlikely to be that tiny sandwich you make yourself, or some stupid organic salad." This got my attention. I turned to her. "You wouldn't."

"I would." I paused again, contemplating my next move. She tried to pressure me. "Chose something, you have to eat Spencer." Another pause. "Can I make it?" Hanna smiled, thinking I had capitulated. "As long as you make enough for both of us."

Half an hour later we were sitting outside my house with two turkey sandwiches on our plates. "Good work Spence, I knew you could do it." I fake smiled back at her. I love Hanna, but she can be dumb sometimes. Her cell phone blinged. It was Caleb. I don't think he could have chosen a better time to text her. She looked away and I tore off a piece of my sandwich, throwing it over my fence and to the birds. She felt my motion and looked up, so I immediately pretended to be chewing. She smiled. I gave her another commercial-star grin. I was able to get away with this only three more times before her phone died, and that was no longer a possible use for distraction. I had already gotten cold and curled myself up into a small package on the porch chair.

"Are you shivering?" "It's freezing!" Hanna made a face like omigod-I-can't-believe-you-can't-just-maintain-your-own-body-heat and threw me her coat, which strangely, she didn't seem to miss. Hanna finished her meal pretty quickly, and sat there for a while, staring at the quarter of my sandwich, crumbling on my plate.

"Why aren't you chewing?"

I sighed. "I'm full Hannnn" I whined and game her a pitiful look. "You didn't eat anything." "Yes I did!" "A quarter of a sandwich doesn't count, that's practically nothing!"

"Nothing?" I looked at her in amazement and disbelief.

She looked at me in pity. "Spencer... eat."

I stared at her, not knowing where to begin. But, would it matter? I looked at that crumpled, ripped piece of meal before me. I tore off a piece and fought the instinct to throw it as hard and far as I could. I stuffed it into my mouth and chewed. Hanna had the grin of a Cheshire cat.

"See Spence! It's not that hard!" She hugged me as I finished off the last bite of the sandwich.

I nodded in false agreement as she stroked my thin hair and said "I'm proud of you."

I knew there couldn't be a good way for me to respond to that, so I just hugged her back.

"Okay, I'm going over to Caleb's. Good job. I'll see you tomorrow too! Kay?"

"Thanks Han, have fun." She walked towards her car, and I waved. I couldn't help but to be hyper aware of the guilt in my stomach. Literally. It was like something I couldn't control had taken over my body and ran to the bathroom. Soon, the guilt was emptied. I felt the thrill and disgust wave over me. As I stepped out of the bathroom, I felt my weight swaying. My eyesight was blurry, I found the edge of the living room couch and my legs gave up on me. There was only a short moment before I slept. If it was eternal, I didn't mind.

I woke up in a bed in the emergency room. Wires and IV s flowing out of my forearm. When my eyelids fluttered open and my eyes were finally able to focus, I asked if anyone was there. Toby was instantly by my side. Lying next to me on the bed, he hugged me. "What happened?"

"Spencer. I found you." He stared into my eyes, his own were watery. "I found you passed out on your couch and I got you here as quickly as I could. God, you scared me. And I thought you were getting better!"

"I am getting better!" I turned so I could hold his hands. I gripped them and pulled them closer as if it would make my story any more convincing.

"No. You're not. It's obvious to me now that you won't until we tell your parents."

"Toby, no! You can't, I'll eat more, I'll do whatever you want! They'll try to keep me in here!"

"No." He held me close as I cried into his shirt sleeve. "I'm only doing this because I care about you."

"Don't!" He pulled away from me. "I'm going to call your parents."

"Toby wait!" He pulled out his phone and took one last look at me. The words just came up, unfiltered. "I hate you."

With that, he turned back to look at me, and with a shaky voice and tears on his cheek said "Hello... Mrs. Hastings? It's Toby."

I wouldn't speak to him after that. Wouldn't look at him, and no matter what he said or how hard he cried I turned away from him. I had heard my mothers angry voice on the other end of the line as he told her everything he knew. About how I had changed my eating habits and it had, to quote him "contorted all of my thoughts". After a while he just walked out and I was left to cry into the hospital pillow. He didn't understand at all. I hoped that he hadn't told my mother too much, so that maybe I could still convince her that he was just lying because of some argument we had had.

About ten minutes later Aria came in. She tossed her purse onto a chair and ran over to me. "Spencer what happened? Why are you here?" I looked up at her, with tears in my eyes and wiped them away with my sleeve. "Aria, will you help me?" She gazed into my eyes, trusting. Something in them reassured me that what I was about to say wouldn't shake her. "Did you drive yourself here?" She nodded. "I need you to take me somewhere."

It all happened in a flash. I told Aria to grab her bag and take some pillows off of the chairs in my room. As I got out of the bed, I instructed her in taking the pillows and creating the shape of my body under the blankets. When I stood back to look at our work I told her we needed more pillows, that it wasn't nearly big enough to be my body. Then she turned to me and said "Spencer, I can assure you that that pile of pillows is MUCH bigger than you ever were." I rolled my eyes and went through a mental check list.

Before we left, I pulled each IV and needle from my arm, letting the pressue of the pressing time override any pain that I felt with each pull. Based off the maps on the walls of the hospital,, we were able to find a back exit to the parking garage. Still in my gown, we ran to her car and got in.

"Now what?" She asked me. I turned to her with crazy notions streaming through my brain and replied: "Let's have an adventure. Let's leave for the rest of the weekend and not come back and not tell anybody where we are." Aria looked back at me, astonished. "Spencer, there's something wrong with you. I-" "Don't you get it! There's nothing wrong with me. They're trying to create some illness that I don't have. Aria, they're wrong." She looked back at me, trusting again. As if she had surrendered. I turned to her. "Let's run away." She closed her eyes and with a deep breath, her back shook for a minute. "Common. Team Sparia. Just like we used to." She opened her eyes and smiled at me, just for a minute, as if all of this had never happened. _As if I wasn't wearing a hospital gown._ "Let's run away, and who cares if we come back."

_**Author's Note: I know it's been forever, but I intend to finish this story. I know exactly what to do with the next chapter, and once I find the time, it won't take me long to finish writing. I hope you all had a Happy (low calorie) Valentines Day! :) Please, please, please read and review!**_


	10. Just A Little Message (Sorry!)

_**IMPORTANT AUTHORS NOTE:** Okay, so I finished outlining and pre writing the upcoming chapters and with Spring Break coming up, the story is SURE to progress, but I've run into a bump, and I'd like all of your help and/or opinions. In an upcoming chapter, Hanna is going to say something about Spencer's experience. I assumed that she would be the perfect person, and I still think she is. In begining PLL episodes (You all probs remember them as the Hefty Hanna scenes) Allison taught Hanna how to make herself sick to lose wieght._

_This is where I think the debate begins. I don't personally believe that Hanna had a real eating disorder. Sure, all of her actions were in line with what Bulimia is, but the mental aspect of it, I don't think was there. People who are sick, are mentally ill, and even though it definatley changed and affected Hanna, I don't think she was ill. She just kind of came out of it pretty quickley after Allison died, and somebody with the real mental illness wouldn't have been able to do that, probably even if they tried._

_When Hanna speaks about Spencer's experiences, I think it's going to be more parallel with "I understand how and why this happened, and I was there with her, even though my case wasn't nearly what hers was."_

_I think I'm just trying to explain that there is a big difference between acting like a Bulimic, and having Bulimia. And my side of the debate is that: Hanna wasn't Bulimic, but Allison taught her how to act like a Bulimic (and was maybe, eventually, trying to steer her in that direction). One of the central themes I want to get across through this story is actually awareness of the differences between the very fake lifestyle that some people discribe, and actually having a problem. _

_I had received a couple of comments and messages that I thought I would try to help clear up. It's fine with me if you have a different opinion about the situation, or want to tell me something I didn't notice about those episodes to try to change my mind. That's cool with me. :)_

_The sole purpose of this little message was really just to clear this up and educate a few of my readers in a positive way. I know that, for a few of my other readers, I'm just preaching to the choir and that some of you guys *totally* understand what I'm saying and probably realized this a *long* time ago, for those people, I'm sorry. This isn't for you. It's just that while writing the chapter, I knew this was going to come up, and I thought it should be adressed._

**_Questions, comments, concerns? Message me! I've got my mind wide open! THANKS!_**


	11. Chapter 10

Sitting outside of Toby's house in my car, I began to feel the guilt wash over me. Pulling Spence out of the hospital was the last thing I should have done. She needed to be there, seeing a nutritionist, a therapist, getting some calories in her. Taking her away from the one place that could solve all of her problems was a really dumb move, one she wouldn't have been proud of if she was in her right mind. It was almost two AM. We had stopped by my house for some clothes and money, and her house too, though only briefly, as she didn't want her family to wake up and find her NOT in the hospital where she belonged. We had talked on the way there, figuring out where to go from here, and the first place she thought of was the Cavanaugh's cabin.

And so here I was, with the car in park, waiting for her to somehow convince Toby to run away with us, or at least get the keys to their cabin for us to borrow. I was hoping Spence would want somebody else to come, the more people on my side the better, but I'm not even sure she wanted to let Toby come, and I honestly didn't think I could push it. From what I understood Toby didn't want to come either. She said they had a fight after he told her parents, which I was relieved to hear. But from what I heard, the only reason Toby would come, would be to help me get her back in the hospital, though he wouldn't make that obvious to her.

Later, she dashed across the Cavanaugh's lively lawn and hopped into the passenger seat next to me. She had ditched the all too obvious white gown in her neighbor's trash and changed into an old striped top, jeans, boots and a thick sweater... despite the fact that it was relatively warm outside.

"I convinced him to tag along. He said he was going to grab an overnight bag and the house keys."

"Good. I'm glad he decided to come. He'll be helpful... Was he mad when you came?" She sounded out of breath, but had a contented look on her face, and nodded her head yes, but said he had jumped at the opportunity to come. A few minutes later, Toby dumped his bag in the trunk and climbed into the back seat.

"Let's drive girls."

When we got to the cabin, we loaded our stuff into the two bedrooms. One for Spencer and Toby, and the other for me. As Spencer dragged her and Toby's stuff into their bedroom we had a minute to talk to each other. She went out to get some bags, and he gestured towards a corner of the kitchen. When we heard the door slam, we whispered.

"Aria, Why did you do it?"

"Take her out you mean?" I paused to recall the moment. "I just saw that determined look in her eye that we hadn't seen in so long." I recalled the energy and longing she had somehow summoned from within her. "I saw how much she wanted it, and then she looked at me like she believed in me so much Toby." I knew he knew the feeling. "Like she believed that I was someone special who could truly help her." I looked up at him, seeing that he was sympathetic, but still frustrated. "I'm really sorry. I realize now how dumb that was, and how caught up I was in this stupid hope that I could get her back, just see a flash of who she used to be. I really am sorry."

"It's okay. We can deal with whatever happens. If she starts to look real bad or refuses to eat or something, the two of us can always take her back. She's not strong enough to fight off either one of us, let alone both of us. I'm not going to think twice before taking her back there. We really should be taking her back there right now." I nodded, but I knew I still looked worried. He leaned over to give me a hug as Spencer came around the corner.

"What's up Aria?" "Nothing..." I wasn't even gonna try to explain. "Well...okayyyyy. Do you wanna do each others hair before bed?" "Sure, Spence." Toby went into their bedroom to change as we sat on my bed with hairbands laying on the blue satin covers. For just a minute I had my Spencer back. She talked about how she was excited to see Toby's abbs before bed and we giggled. She complained about the AP English workload. My only reminder of the other part of her was the hair the hairbrush pulled out as I french braided her hair. Clumps of what used to be beautiful, soft, silk, brown hair. Hair that used to lay in effortless curls on her shoulders that now sat on her back, stiff and without life. And as I pulled out clump after clump, tears formed in my eyes and the conversation turned from normal, to the ridiculous amount of calories in graham crackers. When I finally finished twisting and tucking her thinned locks and she turned to me to do mine, she saw the sadness in my eyes.

"Aria, what's wrong?" The tears refused to spill over, perched precariously in my eyes. I looked at her thinned, pale face and said exactly what needed to be said.

"You know Spencer, you're gorgeous." She just looked blankly back. Her eyes finally fixated on mine, communicating the denial I'm sure she felt. "You're just..." I bit my lip and choked, closing my eyes for an instant. "You're so beautiful." I looked away now, pretending to look for a hairband so I wouldn't cry. She hopped up on the bed and rubbed my arm. She didn't say anything. It was only apparent that she didn't agree. I looked back up at her and whispered. "Why don't you believe it? I don't know what else I can say to you." She stared with her mouth just open, searching for the words that were so hard to find because she truly didn't understand. "I just don't believe it." She shook her head and whispered. "I don't understand this Aria." She was just as frustrated with herself as I was. I repeated my question: "What can I say to you? What will help you understand?" A pause. "I don't think there are any words that could explain it." She hugged me, and knelt behind me to do my hair. I didn't cry until she began to brush through it, and divide it as I had. Because I felt the instant after she picked up the hairbrush when she saw all of her hair stuck and woven in the bristles. I felt her internally gasp and pause, and waited for her to say something, but she just accepted it. I wanted her to do anything but that. I wondered especially about whether or not she had realized that that was what had triggered my tug of tears. Either way, the drowning feeling of guilt was mutual (even if for very different reasons). And as she divided my healthy hair into sections, the tears silently rode down my cheeks.

I wiped any trace of them off before she could see them, and she hugged me goodnight before going to bed with Toby. It took me longer than I would care to admit to get to sleep that night. And the same fears came back to haunt me. It made me wonder if she thinks those same things every night. It also made me wonder why on Earth she would put herself through this, and how we could possibly stop her. I could still hear my words in my head. 'You're just so beautiful.' I could only hope that those same words were bouncing around her head too.

The next morning, Toby and I woke up first and made some coffee for the three of us. Spencer's breakfast, of course, would consist of a breakfast sandwich and eggs as well. It took some convincing from me that we shouldn't just take her back to the hospital today. To let her have one last chance.

"When we talked in bed last night, we kind of made up. And then we kissed, and when I held her, all I could feel were bones. It just reinforced that feeling that all of this is wrong." I looked at his weary face and felt it too. "Do you want to just take her back?" He pushed his hair back with his hands and closed his eyes. "Yeah. I honestly think we need to try and take her back. Today." I knew that was exactly what he had been thinking the whole time. He was just keeping it in for her sake. "Okay. We'll do it tonight. Let's try and spend the day with her though. Maybe have some fun before she hates us again." I tried to sound hopeful, maybe even uplifting. He nodded, knowing that we would resent that moment equally.

"Morning." The lady herself trudged through the sitting room in Toby's shirt and some old pajama pants. "What do you guys wanna do today? We could go to the park, or down to the river?" Toby and I were silent. But with her hopeful eyes bouncing between us, I threw out "We could go to the art museum downtown, you always love that." She of course, jumped at this idea and ran back into their room to get dressed. I shouted after her: "But not before you eat the breakfast your boyfriend made you." "Okay, Mom!" She had made it sound joking, but I could just see her rolling her eyes at me. The feeling of nervousness was evident in the room, especially after Spencer looked despairingly at the meal.

"We're almost there. Wait, did I pass 5th Avenue?" Spencer had the map of downtown in her hands, navigating Toby through the city. "You didn't. I think it's three-ish blocks down, and then a right." Downtown was beautiful, especially since the city had done a clean up and beautification project with U Penn. We took a right and at the very end of the road, and pulled up to a towering, monumental building with statues standing across the walk. Toby dropped us off and we walked the path the statues stood on, admiring each one when she stopped me. "Aria, look at that park down the street. It's so pretty, and I bet it'd be cool too with all those trees growing over the path." It somehow didn't seem like an innocent suggestion. "It really is pretty. Do you wanna go there before we hit the museum?" I probably shouldn't have given her the opportunity. If anything, she would try and run around just to burn calories, but as long as I could keep her at my side and find a place to sit, then it couldn't be too bad.

Toby ran up behind us as we were crossing the street to go to the park, and I explained our detour as our feet crushed the gravel of the path. There was a bench in the shade of the park which I thought would be just perfect. I looked up to Spencer to suggest it, and noticed that she was pulling at her frail fingers. She looked nervous, like her brain was going into overdrive. Her eyes darted everywhere, and for being in such a calm place, she certainly didn't match the feeling.

I was about to open my mouth when she looked at us and yelled "I'll race you guys around the park!" And took off. I, of course, wasn't about to take off too fast because I was in heels, but I knew Toby had it covered. I knew it would be fine when I heard Spencer's contagious giggle. My instinct was to stop her, take away any opportunity to burn calories, but I knew that Toby would catch her before she got too far. I kind of skipped along to keep up with the two love birds, watching Toby give her teasing looks and trying to run up and grab her waist. But on his first attempt, he fell, tripping over himself and landing in the gravel. Spencer looked back to make sure he was okay, which he confirmed with a nod, and then there was a moment. She hesitated, torn. She looked back lovingly, and then something pushed her on, and she kept running. It wasn't that same playful run, it was a needy run. Why didn't she just stop?

"Hey, Spence, come back here!" I yelled, but she just kept going. I would have thought she would come right back the minute Toby fell. "Hey, get back here!" I helped Toby up, asking if we was okay. "My knees are fine, but my shoulder feels a little weird." He brushed the gravel off his jacket, rotating his shoulder to see if something was wrong. "I think it'll be fine, but we need to catch up with Spence... Where'd she go?" It was only then that I realized we really didn't see her. I assumed she would stop just up the path, seeing that we obviously weren't playing anymore. I scanned the park, and looked past the turns of the path which didn't hide much. Our Spence wasn't anywhere.

Toby had started running again. "Don't. I just want you to be careful in case there's something really wrong with your shoulder." He gave me a look and started shouting her name. We walked down the path as quickly as we could, following the winding gravel and trees until it ended. Toby then, against my will, ran back to the car as fast he could and drove by to pick me up. We drove around the entire area, block by block. No Spencer. We stopped and asked pedestrians and street sellers if they'd seen her, using a picture Toby had in his truck. 'No one like that.' They'd say. We finally ended up in a parking lot on the other side of the park. Toby was about to get out when I stopped him. "She's not there." A pause. "We walked around the entire park already. She isn't there."

He stopped. He got back in the car, slamming the door and banging his hands against the car wheel. "What are we going to do Aria?" Silence. "What are we supposed to do?" Louder this time. "Toby, she doesn't want to be found." "What is she crazy?" "Yes." I saw that tortured look in his face. He closed his eyes and looked up. "What has she eaten today?" "We both watched her eat breakfast." I knew neither of us could forget that. The way she tried to make it look so easy, but how we both knew her too well and could still detect the tinge of pain and guilt with every bite. The way she would just have to close her eyes sometimes, trying to hold back her emotions while she chewed.

Toby looked out the window. "Sure we did, but we also don't know that she didn't just throw it up." I took a breath. "I'm just as scared for her as you are, we'll come back again tomorrow and-" "How could we be so stupid!?" I looked at his face, close to tears. He just needed to yell, so I let him. "I know you just wanted your best friend back and I just wanted my girlfriend back, but why did we believe that could actually happen? She's so far gone she can't even think about anything except weight and food and how she's going to run away from the two people in the world that care about her the most! And now she's alone somewhere with that evil part of herself that will tear her right up again." He was running his fingers over the wheel, trying to calm himself down again. He looked to me. "I don't know." Silence. "I just don't know. I never should have helped her get out. And we should have taken her back first thing this morning. I just don't understand why she's trying to screw herself over." I looked up at him, hoping for an answer. He spoke, but I could tell he wished he was in denial of his words. "Because when people want to die, they'll do anything." We both choked on the words for a minute. "Spencer doesn't want to die." "Our Spencer doesn't. Anorexic Spencer does."

I thought back to the strained look in her eyes every time she took just a bite, and how we had to hug her afterward and let her shed a few tears after a single meal. I thought about the way she looked at me after I braided her hair that night, about how she didn't say anything because she knew no words would make the difference. How that panicked look in her eyes was just calculating, planning the solutions to what seemed to her, to be the biggest problems. How even in the car ride there, when we were cracking jokes and having a good time, she still wasn't our Spencer with all that exhaustion behind her eyes.

As Toby drove back to the cabin, I thought of that last moment I saw her: When she looked back at us and giggled. Nervousness in her eyes, awaiting her great escape, but also a hint of joy. Her wavy hair flying, flame like behind her, and her arms trying swat tree blossoms from her face as she flew. The way she smiled that stuck in my head, and that laugh. That little laugh that was probably the greatest amount of joy I had seen out of her in months. It echoed in my head over and over, and that haunting sentence tumbled through my head with it. _When people want to die, they'll do anything._... She was so done... _Our Spencer doesn't. Anorexic Spencer does. _

I just hoped that that wasn't the last time we would see her.

**Author's Note: It's summer, which means writing season again! I'm SO psyched, and I hope you guys are too. I can't say sorry enough for the wait, and I'm just glad I got this out. Just a heads up that ****_I'm beginning another story._**** It will be featuring the Baby Daddy characters and will run along themes similar to this one. Let me know if you guys will read it and I'll publish it! Thanks for reading! **

**xoxo Kari**


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